Shock

                “I think you have a leukemia.” 

                Wait a minute here.  Slow down doc.  What leukemia?  Cancer?  Scary shit?  No that can’t be right.  You see I was just running a few fevers and had some swollen gums.  I’ve been out doing all my regular stuff.  Hell I’m probably in the best shape I’ve been in a while.  I’m 28 years old this can’t be happening, oh shit my brain’s about to explode. 

                Those are some of the things that I said to myself as I looked calmly back into the face of the doctor. 

                There I was sitting in the emergency room with my wife watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, waiting as usual as everyone waits in an emergency room.  I really didn’t feel too sick.  Sure I had been to the doctor a couple of times for some symptoms during the previous few weeks, but they assured me that it was probably a virus and it would just take some time to get over.  So there we sat waiting watching television.  We saw an older man trying to pick up a woman in the ER and damn he was kicking it good.  Who knew the ER could be a hot spot for singles right? 

                So eventually we went in.  They did all the standard stuff, ask your medical history, take my blood pressure, and do some blood work.  Then the inevitable waiting for results.  Whatever, we were sure it would be nothing.  I had spoken to the dentist and he thought that my swollen gums could be oral herpes.  Alright, not the most pleasant thing, but not too bad.  So we waited and waited.  Now like most people I had been to the emergency room before, but something about this time was different.  It seemed like all the people next to me were leaving before me, and I wondered why. 

                Then I got the news.  No one every really considers how they are going to react to bad news.  As an emotional guy, I thought perhaps if I heard bad news I might break down and cry.  But I didn’t.  I just sat there calmly, like a peace had come over me.  It was like all the little bullshit that we all seem to worry about on a daily basis just went away.  My wife immediately started crying and I told her that it was ok.  Don’t worry about me I’m going to be fine.  Maybe that’s just how the body has to react.  It’s just too much to take in all at once. 

                I guess that is what shock is.  It is a time when your body is not sure really what is going on, almost like a dream.  It’s your body’s way of not being able to cope with something that is happening.  But I made a very important decision during those first few hours of shock after hearing the news.  This cancer wasn’t going to kill me.